"Baby Mama Drama"

It only gets harder to get over what feels like complete abandonment by Israel.  I have gone over it time and time again in my head and I can't figure out exactly why I feel the way I feel.  My psychoanalysis is inconclusive.

I feel like I have been lied to for the past 9 months.  But I know I haven't.  Looking back on it, the only "lie" there is the "We're in this together," lie.  It's hard to believe he really meant that when he set out across the country when she was only 3 weeks old.  I wasn't and am not feeling much "togetherness."

Even through his detachment and distance, I have felt a need to keep him involved.  The first week or two he was gone, I sent pictures, videos, updates of her development and doctor visits.  He never once asked for them. On one or two occasions, he thanked me for them.  It was like I was trying to be mommy and daddy for her by maintaining his relationship with her FOR him.  Eventually, that got to be a drain of energy, mostly emotionally.  The more I did or sent, the less it seemed like he cared.  I was taking it personal.  I decided to protest and stop sending anything until he asked.  After a couple weeks, he finally asked.  I sent an indepth email with a TON of pictures within an hour or so of his text.  Then, virtual silence again.

Then I started wondering if the reason I cared so much had to do with the dreaded "baby mama drama" I always vowed to stay clear of.  I didn't want to be the source of it.  But the more I tried not to be, the more dramatic the situation became.  Taking a step back, some of the communications I had with him definitely could be construed as dramatic.  But what could I say?  I was a single mom, desperately trying to free myself from the stereotype.  And it only deepened the drama.  Let's face it, Krista:  motherhood is dramatic -- with or without a daddy.  I finally had to say, "F- what anyone else thinks."

Ultimately, I figure his friends and family know his personality.  They know that he is not the easiest person to live with.  Maybe they even disagree with his decision to leave us and go to Florida.  I can't please everyone, so I damn well better start by pleasing myself and my baby.  It's just the two of us now... and even though it gets lonely and I frequently find my mind wandering to how life would be different if he had been able to be the man we needed him to be, I couldn't be happier with my baby girl. 

It is true-- there is no getting over a breakup.  Only getting through it. And I'm working hard at it.

I always kept my heart hidden away and so deeply protected inside me... but now, she lives and breathes outside of my body.  It's an even bigger struggle to guard her-- perhaps another reason for the "drama" ?