It's definitely been a long time since I've updated. And it's really unfortunate because I could have definitely used the escape of writing over the past several months. Perhaps it would have kept me a little more sane than I've felt.
It's hard to believe that I'm already 35 weeks pregnant. The time has flown by and though I would love to say that it's been an amazing time, it would only partially be true. The pregnancy itself has been an easy one and even enjoyable. I've gained weight slowly, been in great health (MS-wise) and basically just felt great physically! Up until these past couple of weeks, I have moved with ease despite my extra 25 pounds. I played volleyball up until last month. I've felt fabulous.
I can't say as much for the emotional rollercoaster this whole event has been. I have to think that it must be an easier ride for people who are married or otherwise more prepared to have children with their partner. It's no secret that Israel and I kind of rushed into things, even if unintentionally. I think not having established our own relationship with each other and gotten to know each other on a deeper level has been incredibly detrimental to our relationship with the added hormones.
But as a general update: the current status of things is that the pregnancy is moving along great and at least for the time-being, Israel and I are working on our relationship and planning on raising our baby together.
I go back to the doctor next week and so far everything is looking good. I'll visit the doctor every week from here on out until delivery. I'm measuring exactly where I need to be and feeling a very active baby inside of me. It's almost a comforting feeling having someone with you all the time. I think I'm going to miss that after giving birth.
More update on specifics later.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Negative Nostalgia
This weekend I decided that 5 months should be my limit for doubles volleyball... I played a coed doubles tournament over the weekend and was frustrated with the difficulty of moving around and covering that much court while 5 1/2 months pregnant... so the decision came: it would be my last doubles tournament this summer. I think I should still be ok for indoor ball for awhile longer-- with 6 people on the same sized court, it's a little less intense. But still... I wish I could last for just a few more tournaments since the season is almost over... Oh well... motivation to get back into shape for next summer.
I started developing what felt like "Swimmer's Ear" late Saturday afternoon. It was particularly strange because I could feel it coming on and getting exponentially worse as time passed. By the end of the day, my entire ear was sore to the touch and the pain was moving down into my jaw. After a restless and painful night, my ear and jaw were swollen and I couldn't hear anything out of my ear. The pain was incredibly intense... I couldn't wait for Monday to come so I could get in to my doctor. I tried treating the pain with Tylenol, but nothing would touch it. When I started crying involuntarily from the pain on the way home from my parents' house, Israel took me to an instant-care that was nearby.
As a side note here... ear infections are probably the one type of infection or pain that I absolutely can not handle. I turn into an infant child with earaches. When I was little, I had so many problems with my ears that I was traumatized by. I had tubes inserted and removed and reinserted... I saw doctor after doctor... and I distinctly remember being rocked by my mom in the rocking chair with hot rags over my ears while I sobbed from the pain... she would be damn-near crying herself as she told me it would all be over soon... that the pain I was feeling was "the good guys fighting the bad guys" inside my ears. So yes... ear aches are a bad kind of nostalgia for me.
And of course... something I know all too well... that you know it's bad when they look in your ear and say, "Oh wow!" Or make any other sort of similar comment... I think I got all of those "similar comments" tonight. When the doctor came in (after the nurse had checked it out and verified that it "looked like it hurt") he asked what was up. I told him, "I think my ear is bubbling over with infection." He took a look and said, "Well that's a pretty accurate description..." Apparently, both my inner and outer ear were infected... so the infection was eating away at my ear from both sides of the ear drum... which was suffering from some intense swelling, damn near closing off my ear canal completely. He said I was lucky that I had decided to come in tonight because by tomorrow, it was very likely that it would have completely swollen shut, making it impossible for any medication to reach the inner ear-- which would have meant hospitalization to treat the infection. As it was, the swelling was still too bad for medication to reach it without some intervention... Intervention that I could go my entire life without every having to experience again... MOST PAINFUL EXPERIENCE EVER!!!
Essentially, the doctor took a 3/4 inch "wick" and shoved it through the swelling and into my inner ear. It was to act like a wick in an oil lantern does-- saturate with medicine and deliver that medication to the inner ear. It sounds like a great plan... but implementing that plan felt like he straight up pierced my ear drum... my incredibly inflamed and infected ear drum. I'm glad the door to the room was shut to spare the young children in the waiting room from my pained "F...U...C....K!" exclamation through instant tears and clenched teeth. It took me a few minutes to calm my breathing after that experience. Israel didn't help much... he wanted to watch and was like, "Damn... that even LOOKED like it would hurt."
Yeah... it did.
So now, after an hour and a half wait at the 24 hour pharmacy I have 3 different medications-- 2 for the infections and 1 for pain because I was definitely going to need it. I am supposed to go back in tomorrow for the doctor to make sure the meds are getting where they need to and doing their jobs. I can only hope that removing the wick is absolutely nothing like insertion.
I started developing what felt like "Swimmer's Ear" late Saturday afternoon. It was particularly strange because I could feel it coming on and getting exponentially worse as time passed. By the end of the day, my entire ear was sore to the touch and the pain was moving down into my jaw. After a restless and painful night, my ear and jaw were swollen and I couldn't hear anything out of my ear. The pain was incredibly intense... I couldn't wait for Monday to come so I could get in to my doctor. I tried treating the pain with Tylenol, but nothing would touch it. When I started crying involuntarily from the pain on the way home from my parents' house, Israel took me to an instant-care that was nearby.
As a side note here... ear infections are probably the one type of infection or pain that I absolutely can not handle. I turn into an infant child with earaches. When I was little, I had so many problems with my ears that I was traumatized by. I had tubes inserted and removed and reinserted... I saw doctor after doctor... and I distinctly remember being rocked by my mom in the rocking chair with hot rags over my ears while I sobbed from the pain... she would be damn-near crying herself as she told me it would all be over soon... that the pain I was feeling was "the good guys fighting the bad guys" inside my ears. So yes... ear aches are a bad kind of nostalgia for me.
And of course... something I know all too well... that you know it's bad when they look in your ear and say, "Oh wow!" Or make any other sort of similar comment... I think I got all of those "similar comments" tonight. When the doctor came in (after the nurse had checked it out and verified that it "looked like it hurt") he asked what was up. I told him, "I think my ear is bubbling over with infection." He took a look and said, "Well that's a pretty accurate description..." Apparently, both my inner and outer ear were infected... so the infection was eating away at my ear from both sides of the ear drum... which was suffering from some intense swelling, damn near closing off my ear canal completely. He said I was lucky that I had decided to come in tonight because by tomorrow, it was very likely that it would have completely swollen shut, making it impossible for any medication to reach the inner ear-- which would have meant hospitalization to treat the infection. As it was, the swelling was still too bad for medication to reach it without some intervention... Intervention that I could go my entire life without every having to experience again... MOST PAINFUL EXPERIENCE EVER!!!
Essentially, the doctor took a 3/4 inch "wick" and shoved it through the swelling and into my inner ear. It was to act like a wick in an oil lantern does-- saturate with medicine and deliver that medication to the inner ear. It sounds like a great plan... but implementing that plan felt like he straight up pierced my ear drum... my incredibly inflamed and infected ear drum. I'm glad the door to the room was shut to spare the young children in the waiting room from my pained "F...U...C....K!" exclamation through instant tears and clenched teeth. It took me a few minutes to calm my breathing after that experience. Israel didn't help much... he wanted to watch and was like, "Damn... that even LOOKED like it would hurt."
Yeah... it did.
So now, after an hour and a half wait at the 24 hour pharmacy I have 3 different medications-- 2 for the infections and 1 for pain because I was definitely going to need it. I am supposed to go back in tomorrow for the doctor to make sure the meds are getting where they need to and doing their jobs. I can only hope that removing the wick is absolutely nothing like insertion.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Postpartum Concerns
I've been putting a lot of thought into what is going to happen with the MS postpartum lately. At first, I was kind of just flying the positivity balloon and saying I wasn't going to think much about it because I didn't want to will it to happen... but as I listened to other people's concerns I realized that though in theory that's a great idea, in actuality, it's just plain stupid.
Israel has been concerned with what is going to happen with my health after our baby is born all along. I think a part of me was afraid to discuss it with him in any detail because I didn't want to scare him with the aspect of taking care of an infant child and me while likely working to support us financially, too.
Conversations and listening to the concerns of other close friends also got me thinking about it. Every year, Slumber Parties has its national convention in New Orleans, LA around March - April. It's a big event where I get the opportunity to cash in on prizes and credits I have been earning all year... so basically, it's a stupid event to miss (they basically pay me to go). Over this past weekend I was talking with another one of the Slumber Parties girls about how I'm going to pull off getting to New Orleans this year with a newborn baby, when she addressed what I hadn't even thought about! She said, "I wasn't worried about that part... I was more worried that you wouldn't be able to come because of your MS and something happening with that after the baby is born." How could I have missed that?? Wow. I didn't even think about that being a major limit on my travel plans. Looks like I'll need an insured ticket...
So basically, it's been on my mind lately. It seems almost morbid to try to think through it and plan for the worst while hoping for the best, but it also seems like what needs to be done. I did a little bit of research, too, to find out what exactly the research says I have to be prepared for. It was actually not too bad. Basically, it stated that the first 3 months postpartum are the ones with the highest relapse rate. But in another study, they found that breastfeeding instead of getting back on an MS treatment immediately after giving birth may be beneficial in reducing relapses. Basically about 50% of women with MS in the study did not breastfeed. Of those, 87% relapsed in the first 3 months. Of the other ~50% who breastfed, only 36% relapsed.
Just some interesting things to think about... lucky for me I have great family and friends who are all willing to step in and help me out if/when the time comes. I just hope they get to help me out with the baby and not my own health.
Israel has been concerned with what is going to happen with my health after our baby is born all along. I think a part of me was afraid to discuss it with him in any detail because I didn't want to scare him with the aspect of taking care of an infant child and me while likely working to support us financially, too.
Conversations and listening to the concerns of other close friends also got me thinking about it. Every year, Slumber Parties has its national convention in New Orleans, LA around March - April. It's a big event where I get the opportunity to cash in on prizes and credits I have been earning all year... so basically, it's a stupid event to miss (they basically pay me to go). Over this past weekend I was talking with another one of the Slumber Parties girls about how I'm going to pull off getting to New Orleans this year with a newborn baby, when she addressed what I hadn't even thought about! She said, "I wasn't worried about that part... I was more worried that you wouldn't be able to come because of your MS and something happening with that after the baby is born." How could I have missed that?? Wow. I didn't even think about that being a major limit on my travel plans. Looks like I'll need an insured ticket...
So basically, it's been on my mind lately. It seems almost morbid to try to think through it and plan for the worst while hoping for the best, but it also seems like what needs to be done. I did a little bit of research, too, to find out what exactly the research says I have to be prepared for. It was actually not too bad. Basically, it stated that the first 3 months postpartum are the ones with the highest relapse rate. But in another study, they found that breastfeeding instead of getting back on an MS treatment immediately after giving birth may be beneficial in reducing relapses. Basically about 50% of women with MS in the study did not breastfeed. Of those, 87% relapsed in the first 3 months. Of the other ~50% who breastfed, only 36% relapsed.
Just some interesting things to think about... lucky for me I have great family and friends who are all willing to step in and help me out if/when the time comes. I just hope they get to help me out with the baby and not my own health.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
... and he finally gets kicked!
This morning as I was climbing back into bed from a bathroom trip, Israel woke up and mumbled something to me (seemingly in his sleep). Naturally, I asked, "What was that?"
"I felt her kick last night while you were sleeping."
I smiled. "It's pretty cool, huh?"
"Yeah," he responded. Then we both fell back asleep.
"I felt her kick last night while you were sleeping."
I smiled. "It's pretty cool, huh?"
"Yeah," he responded. Then we both fell back asleep.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
My Lovely Lady BUMP
I suck... I know. There is so much updating to be done that I'm not sure I'm going to even get to all of it! So instead of trying to backtrack and hope that I hit it all, I'm going to start with today and then perhaps (but probably not) as time goes by, I'll go back and fill in the blanks.
I had my 20 week appointment today! I have been looking forward to this day for weeks! (Technically I'm not 20 weeks until Sunday, but... 19 weeks 2 days is close enough!!) And little baby was perfect in the grand unveiling...
I had my 20 week appointment today! I have been looking forward to this day for weeks! (Technically I'm not 20 weeks until Sunday, but... 19 weeks 2 days is close enough!!) And little baby was perfect in the grand unveiling...
There was lots of thumb-sucking.. and then with some poking and prodding inquiries, she finally made it known to the world that she was in fact a girl. She didn't make it easy to tell, though... my daughter the prude. Who would've thought?? She is already a lady-- wouldn't uncross her legs for us.
And in all the poking and trying to get her to be a bit more revealing, we did uncover this gem:
...I'm already in love with her cute little butt...
So it looks like my family will continue on the tradition of making beautiful little girls... we'll leave the little boys to someone else. This new addition will soon become the 5th granddaughter of the family.
All cuteness aside, apparently everything looks great from the doctor's standpoint! She is a healthy size, has all her body parts, and the placenta and umbilical cord are in good places. Right now she's weighing in at 11 oz. and measuring exactly to my estimated date -- so it is official then: January 16, 2011 is the official due date.
Today is an exciting day... now, with all those kicks and pushes, I can just imagine her little elbows or feet moving around... since I was able to see her sucking her fingers, moving her toes, and clenching and unclenching her fists. There really is something growing inside of me!!
And of course... Mama is growing quite well herself... though, I must say I'm surprised I'm not bigger, considering that the baby is a whopping 11 oz. (instead of the average of 8 1/2)! Today's 19 week 2 day belly/boob photo (I had to include "boob" because they have indeed grown... a little!):
Now for the ever-daunting task of agreeing on a name for the little one... I have a feeling she may not have a name until several weeks after birth!
And to answer the question about my health through all of this, rest assured: I FEEL AMAZING!!! And yes, AMAZING is definitely the word to describe it! I have been off all my M.S. drugs and Narcolepsy drugs for several months now, and I am feeling spectacular... there is no tingling when I walk, no overheating, no numbness, no weakness.... for the first time since I was diagnosed, I feel disease-free! The little woes of pregnancy are small fries compared to that... I can walk without stopping for breaks and overheating and tingling!! Screw heartburn... I'll take it!!
But I must admit.... I am quite terrified of what could happen after this "wears off" and I give birth... but for now, I'm going to just enjoy this 9 month stint of being seemingly disease-free.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Hawaii-Bound.
About a week ago my dad sent around a text informing all of his kids of next summer's vacation plans. He also indicated that he had a week timeshare vacation they were going to lose, so he and my mom on a whim decided to go to Hawaii from July 16 - July 26. I was jealous, of course, but good for them!
Then, on Friday night, my mom called me (in the middle of my early evening nap). I woke, saw her call, and ignored it because talking to anyone when I'm sleeping is a bad idea for both me AND the other party. When I didn't answer, she called again, and then eventually I woke up to a text message:
"Want to go to Hawaii? Flight is $500. Leaving on Jul16 and returning Jul26."
By this time, I was waking up and text her back: "Haha! Yes... I'm not sure how realistic it is though."
She responded, "You should if you can get away."
Apparently she wasn't feeling like texting. She asked if I was at a party or if I could talk, so I called her back. We talked for a few minutes and then ultimately, I was talked into it. And now, I'm going to Hawaii!
Israel is not happy about it-- thinks it's a bad idea. I told him that he's right-- it is a very bad idea... one that I will contemplate (and enjoy) as I'm soaking up the sun on a sandy beach. I figure it's the last vacation that I'm really going to get in a long while. After the baby comes I won't be able to just pick up and leave town like I've become so accustomed to in the past.
I thought my boss would flip out about me taking so much time off work with such little notice... He didn't really flip out... in fact, given the $33 Million settlement we just pulled in that we'll be getting paid for next week, I got the news that I'll be receiving a "substantial" bonus and a pay raise. SA-WEET!
In other news...
Today is / would be my 5 year wedding anniversary (if I was still married).
Weird.
Then, on Friday night, my mom called me (in the middle of my early evening nap). I woke, saw her call, and ignored it because talking to anyone when I'm sleeping is a bad idea for both me AND the other party. When I didn't answer, she called again, and then eventually I woke up to a text message:
"Want to go to Hawaii? Flight is $500. Leaving on Jul16 and returning Jul26."
By this time, I was waking up and text her back: "Haha! Yes... I'm not sure how realistic it is though."
She responded, "You should if you can get away."
Apparently she wasn't feeling like texting. She asked if I was at a party or if I could talk, so I called her back. We talked for a few minutes and then ultimately, I was talked into it. And now, I'm going to Hawaii!
Israel is not happy about it-- thinks it's a bad idea. I told him that he's right-- it is a very bad idea... one that I will contemplate (and enjoy) as I'm soaking up the sun on a sandy beach. I figure it's the last vacation that I'm really going to get in a long while. After the baby comes I won't be able to just pick up and leave town like I've become so accustomed to in the past.
I thought my boss would flip out about me taking so much time off work with such little notice... He didn't really flip out... in fact, given the $33 Million settlement we just pulled in that we'll be getting paid for next week, I got the news that I'll be receiving a "substantial" bonus and a pay raise. SA-WEET!
In other news...
Today is / would be my 5 year wedding anniversary (if I was still married).
Weird.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
on the UP?
I took the day off work today. I wasn't really feeling ill, per se, I was just exhausted. Between the MS, narcolepsy, and now pregnancy... I'm fighting a losing battle with fatigue. AND, I can't take any of my normal medications that usually reduce it and help me get through the day. So after several days working my usual 9-5 and adding a few Slumber Parties in there from time to time, I was absolutely exhausted. I woke up this morning after a night of tossing and turning and made the decision, "Eff working today. I need a day off." So I did just that.
As much as I wanted to just go back to sleep and relax, I got up around 9 a.m. and showered and did the dishes with the intention of making some breakfast. I made pancakes, ate pancakes, left the just-cleaned kitchen messy, and went back to bed. About that time, Israel joined me after his night of work (I hate his graveyard shift job, BTW).
We have been talking and moving back towards being happy together over the past couple of weeks. He's not living with me anymore, and I think that helps us to appreciate each other more and appreciate the time we get to spend together. He has taken to referring to me as two people. ("How are you guys doing?" "... How did you two sleep?" It's kind of cute and amusing at the same time. I preferred that over his new mode that started today-- referring to the unnamed, unborn, and (un-sex-determined) baby as "Baby Raymond." I laughed at it the first time, then quickly put it out there that my baby's name would not be Raymond. It reminds me too much of that dorky guy on TV. Israel asked, "Well didn't dude have a hot wife?" I answered, "Yeah, probably... all TV characters do though... and I think he had a gay brother, too." He didn't really respond to that one, just a pensive, "Hmmm." (And the "Baby Raymond" reference stopped.)
As we were lying in bed talking, suddenly he gets serious and asks, "Can I tell you something?" In my experience, those words usually aren't a precursor into a pleasant topic. So I hesitated, but told him to go ahead. He started it with an even worse opening, "So generally, you know the rules of 'breakup' are that we could do whatever we wanted." (I did know.) "So I thought I should tell you what I did." I may as well have heard brakes screeching to a halt right there. I tried to say, "Honestly, I don't want to know," but he stopped me before I could say anything else... He went on to say that he knew that I wouldn't want him doing that, even though I knew he could, and that if there was any chance of us sleeping together again that I wouldn't want him to have been sleeping around.... that I would want a safe outlet, etc., etc. (All true.) He also prefaced it with saying that he knew that I most likely wouldn't go out and get with another guy because (even when pregnant) I'm not that crazy. (I think he meant slutty.) So after it was clear that he had finished his preface, I finally squeezed it in, "Honey, I don't want to know anything." And he continued with, "Well that was just it. There was nothing. Because I knew you wouldn't want that from me. And I know that you feel like I resent you for wanting monogamy, and although I have complained to some people about it, I don't. Because it's not you-- it's not a problem of yours-- it's a problem of mine. And I want to be the person you want me to be, the person you help me to be. And I want to be the person for you. I can't imagine my life without you in it... well, I can, but it would be like it was before I met you-- detached, lonely, and unhappy. I want you."
How's that for a dramatic and heart-stopping approach to something sweet!? I could have slapped him for making my heart drop like that at first... and he says that I am dramatic!! Wow! On the plus side, I suppose he just knows how to add a little more impact to his words by making me expect the worst and then giving me something WAY better than I had expected. (I should try that sometime.)
The past several days I have felt myself feeling the same happiness I felt right at first with Israel-- that kind of drunken stupid happy you feel when you feel like you are with your soul mate. Of course, since I'm an overemotional uber-hormonal pregnant woman now, that same happiness that usually makes me grin from ear to ear makes me want to cry now.
Go figure.
As much as I wanted to just go back to sleep and relax, I got up around 9 a.m. and showered and did the dishes with the intention of making some breakfast. I made pancakes, ate pancakes, left the just-cleaned kitchen messy, and went back to bed. About that time, Israel joined me after his night of work (I hate his graveyard shift job, BTW).
We have been talking and moving back towards being happy together over the past couple of weeks. He's not living with me anymore, and I think that helps us to appreciate each other more and appreciate the time we get to spend together. He has taken to referring to me as two people. ("How are you guys doing?" "... How did you two sleep?" It's kind of cute and amusing at the same time. I preferred that over his new mode that started today-- referring to the unnamed, unborn, and (un-sex-determined) baby as "Baby Raymond." I laughed at it the first time, then quickly put it out there that my baby's name would not be Raymond. It reminds me too much of that dorky guy on TV. Israel asked, "Well didn't dude have a hot wife?" I answered, "Yeah, probably... all TV characters do though... and I think he had a gay brother, too." He didn't really respond to that one, just a pensive, "Hmmm." (And the "Baby Raymond" reference stopped.)
As we were lying in bed talking, suddenly he gets serious and asks, "Can I tell you something?" In my experience, those words usually aren't a precursor into a pleasant topic. So I hesitated, but told him to go ahead. He started it with an even worse opening, "So generally, you know the rules of 'breakup' are that we could do whatever we wanted." (I did know.) "So I thought I should tell you what I did." I may as well have heard brakes screeching to a halt right there. I tried to say, "Honestly, I don't want to know," but he stopped me before I could say anything else... He went on to say that he knew that I wouldn't want him doing that, even though I knew he could, and that if there was any chance of us sleeping together again that I wouldn't want him to have been sleeping around.... that I would want a safe outlet, etc., etc. (All true.) He also prefaced it with saying that he knew that I most likely wouldn't go out and get with another guy because (even when pregnant) I'm not that crazy. (I think he meant slutty.) So after it was clear that he had finished his preface, I finally squeezed it in, "Honey, I don't want to know anything." And he continued with, "Well that was just it. There was nothing. Because I knew you wouldn't want that from me. And I know that you feel like I resent you for wanting monogamy, and although I have complained to some people about it, I don't. Because it's not you-- it's not a problem of yours-- it's a problem of mine. And I want to be the person you want me to be, the person you help me to be. And I want to be the person for you. I can't imagine my life without you in it... well, I can, but it would be like it was before I met you-- detached, lonely, and unhappy. I want you."
How's that for a dramatic and heart-stopping approach to something sweet!? I could have slapped him for making my heart drop like that at first... and he says that I am dramatic!! Wow! On the plus side, I suppose he just knows how to add a little more impact to his words by making me expect the worst and then giving me something WAY better than I had expected. (I should try that sometime.)
The past several days I have felt myself feeling the same happiness I felt right at first with Israel-- that kind of drunken stupid happy you feel when you feel like you are with your soul mate. Of course, since I'm an overemotional uber-hormonal pregnant woman now, that same happiness that usually makes me grin from ear to ear makes me want to cry now.
Go figure.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
"Oh Crap!"
When Israel and I were lying in bed a few nights before I finally took a home pregnancy test, I randomly mentioned, "I still haven't started my period." He looked at me and asked if I was worried. I semi-lied and said, "No... I'm just sayin'."
He went on to say it was probably nothing-- I had recently received two days worth of steroid treatments for the MS exacerbation I was having. I had also been taking amphetamines for the narcolepsy, which I had promptly quit taking at Israel's request. All those things could have put my body through stress that would make me late. I nodded my agreement, but still didn't believe it. Afterall, I had always been on several different intense medications... and had never been more than a couple days late. I was going on 6 days late!
Over the next couple days, I started noticing other little things. My boobs had been hurting for weeks -- much like premenstrual aching, but without the menstruation spelling it off. I was peeing more frequently, and I was eating... A LOT. In the morning, I would get random cravings for stupid things. As a person who has never really been a breakfast person, this was abnormal. And I'm not just talking a couple pieces of toast and a cup of coffee-- I'm talking an entire spread: bowl of cereal, toast, cut up fruit, orange juice, AND coffee. Even the secretary at work began to notice.
So finally one day when I went home for lunch, I asked Israel as I was leaving, "So... how long do you think I should wait before I bite the bullet and take a pregnancy test?" Again he asked if I was really that worried. I told him I wasn't, but that if I did happen to be pregnant, there were certain lifestyle changes that needed to happen ASAP. I reminded him that I'd never been more than a couple days late with my period, despite lots of medications, and that I was going on 8 days late.
When I got home from work, I was pretty much greeted with a large glass of water and a hug. He had a pregnancy test ready for me and wanted me to drink up so I could pee. I was nervous. Incredibly. But at this point, I was almost more nervous that it would be negative-- and I had started convincing myself that it either was or wasn't... So... I was scared of a negative result and was fairly certain it would be negative. Israel, being a videographer and all, pulls out the video camera... as I chastised him for trying to film me peeing on a stick, he ignored my attempts at closing the bathroom door on him and continued (filling the video with commentary when the door was shut on him). I finished, set the test down, and tried to wash my hands without looking at it. I was convinced I was going to wait the entire 2 minutes before looking for that little line. I failed. Instinctively, I looked over at it. Israel was again trying to peep his head (and camera) into the bathroom.
"Oh crap."
I left Israel wondering with his camera in hand as I pushed past him and left the bathroom to dry my hands on the towel in the bedroom. My head was spinning with different emotions and feelings. By the time I got back to the bathroom, Israel had figured it out.
His smile extended about as far as it could... He was so excited!
He turned the video camera on himself...
"I am so happy right now! This is quite possibly the happiest day of my life."
He went on to say it was probably nothing-- I had recently received two days worth of steroid treatments for the MS exacerbation I was having. I had also been taking amphetamines for the narcolepsy, which I had promptly quit taking at Israel's request. All those things could have put my body through stress that would make me late. I nodded my agreement, but still didn't believe it. Afterall, I had always been on several different intense medications... and had never been more than a couple days late. I was going on 6 days late!
Over the next couple days, I started noticing other little things. My boobs had been hurting for weeks -- much like premenstrual aching, but without the menstruation spelling it off. I was peeing more frequently, and I was eating... A LOT. In the morning, I would get random cravings for stupid things. As a person who has never really been a breakfast person, this was abnormal. And I'm not just talking a couple pieces of toast and a cup of coffee-- I'm talking an entire spread: bowl of cereal, toast, cut up fruit, orange juice, AND coffee. Even the secretary at work began to notice.
So finally one day when I went home for lunch, I asked Israel as I was leaving, "So... how long do you think I should wait before I bite the bullet and take a pregnancy test?" Again he asked if I was really that worried. I told him I wasn't, but that if I did happen to be pregnant, there were certain lifestyle changes that needed to happen ASAP. I reminded him that I'd never been more than a couple days late with my period, despite lots of medications, and that I was going on 8 days late.
When I got home from work, I was pretty much greeted with a large glass of water and a hug. He had a pregnancy test ready for me and wanted me to drink up so I could pee. I was nervous. Incredibly. But at this point, I was almost more nervous that it would be negative-- and I had started convincing myself that it either was or wasn't... So... I was scared of a negative result and was fairly certain it would be negative. Israel, being a videographer and all, pulls out the video camera... as I chastised him for trying to film me peeing on a stick, he ignored my attempts at closing the bathroom door on him and continued (filling the video with commentary when the door was shut on him). I finished, set the test down, and tried to wash my hands without looking at it. I was convinced I was going to wait the entire 2 minutes before looking for that little line. I failed. Instinctively, I looked over at it. Israel was again trying to peep his head (and camera) into the bathroom.
"Oh crap."
I left Israel wondering with his camera in hand as I pushed past him and left the bathroom to dry my hands on the towel in the bedroom. My head was spinning with different emotions and feelings. By the time I got back to the bathroom, Israel had figured it out.
His smile extended about as far as it could... He was so excited!
He turned the video camera on himself...
"I am so happy right now! This is quite possibly the happiest day of my life."
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
A Rather Important Update
So I have been pretty silent in the blogging world this past couple weeks... and for good reason.
#1: The breakup. Which is kind of taking an interesting turn of communication and non-breakup and all sorts of crazy confusing things... until you learn #2 (see below).
#2: I'm pregnant. There. I said it. It is officially "out there." I've been holding it in to myself and a select few for the past month and a half while I waited to see how the events of my uterus would transpire. For those of you who are Facebook friends-- this is still a Facebook secret, so SHUSH! But I've decided that I needed to put it out there now because I'm tired of my own silence. And with such a huge and significant secret out there, there is not much that I can write about without spilling the beans.
Given time issues and an overwhelming surge of happenings from the past month and a half surging my brain now that I can write freely about them, I'm going to keep this update at that.
Yes.
There is going to be a baby!
(And yes, I am quite happy and excited about it-- as is the daddy!)
#1: The breakup. Which is kind of taking an interesting turn of communication and non-breakup and all sorts of crazy confusing things... until you learn #2 (see below).
#2: I'm pregnant. There. I said it. It is officially "out there." I've been holding it in to myself and a select few for the past month and a half while I waited to see how the events of my uterus would transpire. For those of you who are Facebook friends-- this is still a Facebook secret, so SHUSH! But I've decided that I needed to put it out there now because I'm tired of my own silence. And with such a huge and significant secret out there, there is not much that I can write about without spilling the beans.
Given time issues and an overwhelming surge of happenings from the past month and a half surging my brain now that I can write freely about them, I'm going to keep this update at that.
Yes.
There is going to be a baby!
(And yes, I am quite happy and excited about it-- as is the daddy!)
Sunday, June 13, 2010
A Woman's Worth
Things finally came to a head this weekend.
I had been pushed too hard and didn't like the way I was being pushed. I went from being a confident, independent woman to a paranoid girl questioning my self-worth... and I didn't deserve to sacrifice my pride and personality for the sake of someone else.
Israel and I broke up.
It was fantastic in the beginning. I honestly felt like I had found the one for me. I was happier than I feel I have ever been. But it was short-lived. I think we moved into things too quickly and I let myself fall for him too quickly. As time passed I began to realize that Israel is Israel's #1 and always will be. There is no room for a #2... and I can't go on living like a second-class citizen to the person I share my home with.
Even upon breaking up, it felt as though he may as well have said, "Good riddance, bitch." It hurt to realize that I could mean so little to him. I think I made the right decision.
So now, I'm purging. Cleaning my house of him. His belongings are all packed up and sitting in the front room waiting for him to pick them up.
As bad as it hurt yesterday, it feels good today-- cleansing. And of course, as I'm (literally) cleansing, I turn on iTunes and what song comes up?
I couldn't say it better myself.
I wish it could have lasted... but I think I'm better off walking alone.
I had been pushed too hard and didn't like the way I was being pushed. I went from being a confident, independent woman to a paranoid girl questioning my self-worth... and I didn't deserve to sacrifice my pride and personality for the sake of someone else.
Israel and I broke up.
It was fantastic in the beginning. I honestly felt like I had found the one for me. I was happier than I feel I have ever been. But it was short-lived. I think we moved into things too quickly and I let myself fall for him too quickly. As time passed I began to realize that Israel is Israel's #1 and always will be. There is no room for a #2... and I can't go on living like a second-class citizen to the person I share my home with.
Even upon breaking up, it felt as though he may as well have said, "Good riddance, bitch." It hurt to realize that I could mean so little to him. I think I made the right decision.
So now, I'm purging. Cleaning my house of him. His belongings are all packed up and sitting in the front room waiting for him to pick them up.
As bad as it hurt yesterday, it feels good today-- cleansing. And of course, as I'm (literally) cleansing, I turn on iTunes and what song comes up?
I couldn't say it better myself.
I wish it could have lasted... but I think I'm better off walking alone.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Drugs, anybody?
The pharmacy called me last weekend to tell me that my prescription was ready to pick up... Since I hadn't been in awhile to fill a prescription, I figured it was probably the Provigil my insurance company had recently decided to cover.
I decided today would be a good day to go ahead and get that filled and headed to the pharmacy on my lunch break.
Sure enough, it was my Provigil. I was telling the technician about my longstanding battle with the insurance company over this drug and how I'd finally won. She looked down at the prescription and back up at me, "Won? It doesn't look like it...."
$215!
I laughed a little and asked, "Well, what did they pay?" Apparently they saved me nearly $500 by covering the drug... but I still wasn't very grateful.
I thanked the Pharmacist and apologized... there was no way I was going to be picking up that medication today (or maybe ever).
Monday, June 7, 2010
About effin' time.
I finally got a letter in the mail from my insurance company.
They have finally pulled their heads out of their asses and have decided to "overturn their previous decision to deny coverage of Provigil."
About effin' time.
This has been a battle about 1 1/2 years in the making. After being prescribed the medication for Multiple Sclerosis and being denied coverage on several occasions (and losing my multiple appeals), the doctors decided to go another route in January when I was in for my follow-up appointment. The NP sent me for a sleep evaluation to see if perhaps we could get the miracle drug prescribed to me by a sleep doctor for a different (covered) reason.
3 doctor appointments, several lung function tests, 1 chest x-ray, and 21 hours worth of time spent in a sleep lab later, and I was ultimately diagnosed with narcolepsy, a disease for which Provigil is a covered treatment.
Suckers.
Of course, we still played games with the insurance company... games that resulted in my dancing with the devil of Adderall... but now, I will finally get my drug.
They have finally pulled their heads out of their asses and have decided to "overturn their previous decision to deny coverage of Provigil."
About effin' time.
This has been a battle about 1 1/2 years in the making. After being prescribed the medication for Multiple Sclerosis and being denied coverage on several occasions (and losing my multiple appeals), the doctors decided to go another route in January when I was in for my follow-up appointment. The NP sent me for a sleep evaluation to see if perhaps we could get the miracle drug prescribed to me by a sleep doctor for a different (covered) reason.
3 doctor appointments, several lung function tests, 1 chest x-ray, and 21 hours worth of time spent in a sleep lab later, and I was ultimately diagnosed with narcolepsy, a disease for which Provigil is a covered treatment.
Suckers.
Of course, we still played games with the insurance company... games that resulted in my dancing with the devil of Adderall... but now, I will finally get my drug.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Kickin' the Crank.
Today, it's official: I'm kicking the crank.
It's only been a few weeks since I started taking the doctor prescribed drug, Adderral. And in that 3 weeks, Israel and I have fought more than ever. We are constantly bickering about something stupid. I am an emotional wreck! Overly sensitive, easily agitated, and overly aggressive. I'm sure the combination of steroids that first week didn't help... but there is definitely a big difference in my personality and emotional wellbeing.
At first when Israel mentioned is concern about it, I blew it off. I thought he was fabricating the whole thing. I knew he was against the medication to begin with, but I felt like I had no other option at this point and that I may as well try it. Then, it started to become more and more clear to me that it was definitely not a beneficial thing for me.
My decision was cemented yesterday at the Neurologists' office when both the PA and the Doctor went off on soapbox speeches about how ridiculous it was that the insurance company wouldn't cover Provigil and how Adderral was the very LAST thing I needed. And obviously... it wasn't worth my relationship.
So, today... I am a little bit tired...
... but I'm not wired and irrationally irritated.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
All systems are "GO!"
I had very good intentions of calling the doctor on Monday to see if my blood test results came back for my Tysabri pre-qualification.... but of course, I "forgot."
The doctor was fresh on my mind this morning, though. I had to do my Avonex injection last night, and of course, it hit me hard this morning. It actually felt like it hit me harder than usual. I first awoke at about 3 a.m. and tossed and turned uncomfortably from about 3-4 a.m. wishing I had the strength and energy to get out of bed and medicate some more. Then this morning before the alarm went off I was already awake and hurting in a bad way. Israel asked if he could get me anything and I didn't even hesitate: Lortab. Please. And thank you. He got me one and I took it then laid with my back to him so he couldn't see that I was crying... it was involuntary crying and I couldn't seem to help it. When the alarm went off 10 minutes later, I slowly uncurled my aching body and went straight to the shower to get ready... which for anyone who knows me is absolutely not normal for me... but I was hurting and uncomfortable.
When I got to work, I was quite relieved (maybe even excited) when the caller ID showed my neurologist's number. (They're incredibly hard to reach there, so I always appreciate when they call me.) She asked me a couple clarification questions about my Vitamin D intake and then I took the opportunity to ask her about my blood tests and scheduling a Ty-1 appointment with the PA. She was like, "Actually, I was calling to do that, too... I'll call and get your labs faxed over as soon as I hang up with you, and then, I know it's short notice, but... can you come in today at 2?"
PERFECT!
Given my poor health lately (and depositions that were supposed to take place this week and ended up not taking place) no clients were scheduled for me today... so it was great timing! I grabbed the appointment and ran with it. For anyone that has ever worked with specialists in any field, you know that a same day appointment is absolutely unheard of! The appointment was actually going to be a combined Ty-1 and Ty-2 appointment (Ty-1 being with the PA, then Ty-2 being with the doctor to sign remaining paperwork) and was supposed to take about an hour combined.
Of course, It took closer to 2 hours and 15 minutes... but I wasn't complaining. I took advantage of the appointment with the PA and made sure that I asked ALL my questions. She's easier to talk to because she's generally less rushed and more concerned than the doctor. So I took a great deal of time with her talking about my concerns (and Israel's) and then headed over to the doctor for an expected quick 10 minute visit. She was sweet because she gave Israel some real encouragement about being a good partner through this whole thing-- dealing with my emotions, irritability, etc. (And confirmed that it was not me-- it was the medications.)
But aside from the helpfulness of the PA and her friendliness and ability to answer all my questions and relieve some of my fears and concerns, the highlight of my day (maybe even my WEEK!) came from Dr. Foley:
"No more Avonex shots. Last night was your last one."
No more water-pounding.
No more pre-medicating.
No more needles.
No more Sharps containers.
No more Avonex "hangovers."
No
More.
I think my heart even smiled a little bit at that moment. I could have cried actual real happy/relief tears.
Best.News.Ever.
The doctor was fresh on my mind this morning, though. I had to do my Avonex injection last night, and of course, it hit me hard this morning. It actually felt like it hit me harder than usual. I first awoke at about 3 a.m. and tossed and turned uncomfortably from about 3-4 a.m. wishing I had the strength and energy to get out of bed and medicate some more. Then this morning before the alarm went off I was already awake and hurting in a bad way. Israel asked if he could get me anything and I didn't even hesitate: Lortab. Please. And thank you. He got me one and I took it then laid with my back to him so he couldn't see that I was crying... it was involuntary crying and I couldn't seem to help it. When the alarm went off 10 minutes later, I slowly uncurled my aching body and went straight to the shower to get ready... which for anyone who knows me is absolutely not normal for me... but I was hurting and uncomfortable.
When I got to work, I was quite relieved (maybe even excited) when the caller ID showed my neurologist's number. (They're incredibly hard to reach there, so I always appreciate when they call me.) She asked me a couple clarification questions about my Vitamin D intake and then I took the opportunity to ask her about my blood tests and scheduling a Ty-1 appointment with the PA. She was like, "Actually, I was calling to do that, too... I'll call and get your labs faxed over as soon as I hang up with you, and then, I know it's short notice, but... can you come in today at 2?"
PERFECT!
Given my poor health lately (and depositions that were supposed to take place this week and ended up not taking place) no clients were scheduled for me today... so it was great timing! I grabbed the appointment and ran with it. For anyone that has ever worked with specialists in any field, you know that a same day appointment is absolutely unheard of! The appointment was actually going to be a combined Ty-1 and Ty-2 appointment (Ty-1 being with the PA, then Ty-2 being with the doctor to sign remaining paperwork) and was supposed to take about an hour combined.
Of course, It took closer to 2 hours and 15 minutes... but I wasn't complaining. I took advantage of the appointment with the PA and made sure that I asked ALL my questions. She's easier to talk to because she's generally less rushed and more concerned than the doctor. So I took a great deal of time with her talking about my concerns (and Israel's) and then headed over to the doctor for an expected quick 10 minute visit. She was sweet because she gave Israel some real encouragement about being a good partner through this whole thing-- dealing with my emotions, irritability, etc. (And confirmed that it was not me-- it was the medications.)
But aside from the helpfulness of the PA and her friendliness and ability to answer all my questions and relieve some of my fears and concerns, the highlight of my day (maybe even my WEEK!) came from Dr. Foley:
"No more Avonex shots. Last night was your last one."
No more water-pounding.
No more pre-medicating.
No more needles.
No more Sharps containers.
No more Avonex "hangovers."
No
More.
I think my heart even smiled a little bit at that moment. I could have cried actual real happy/relief tears.
Best.News.Ever.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Zombified.
The effects of the steroids are catching up with me today.
I feel like a zombie.
I feel unstable, both physically and mentally. I've had some serious vertigo issues today and feel like I've been running into a lot of different things today. The dizziness is a physical dizziness and a mental one.
My head is unclear;
My mind is uneasy;
My body is unstable.
I think tonight I might be able to sleep. It sounds like it could be a cure-all.
I feel like a zombie.
I feel unstable, both physically and mentally. I've had some serious vertigo issues today and feel like I've been running into a lot of different things today. The dizziness is a physical dizziness and a mental one.
My head is unclear;
My mind is uneasy;
My body is unstable.
I think tonight I might be able to sleep. It sounds like it could be a cure-all.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Monday, May 3, 2010
Sleepless in SLC
I started my first day of Solu-medrol today. Yippee! {obvious sarcasm}
And, right on cue... it's midnight... and I am W-I-D-E awake.
Between the steroids and the adderol, I am quite cracked out. I feel like a meth-addict or something... I'm pretty sure I'm difficult to talk to right now, I'm fidgety as all hell, and I'm talking like 100 mph and A LOT! I met with my new girl that just signed up for Slumber Parties today at like 7:15 and sat and talked her ear off until about 9:30. (We did have a good time though!) BUT... then I was an hour late to the dinner my boyfriend had cooked for me... :-(
I should have remembered to ask for sleeping meds. Oops.
And, right on cue... it's midnight... and I am W-I-D-E awake.
Between the steroids and the adderol, I am quite cracked out. I feel like a meth-addict or something... I'm pretty sure I'm difficult to talk to right now, I'm fidgety as all hell, and I'm talking like 100 mph and A LOT! I met with my new girl that just signed up for Slumber Parties today at like 7:15 and sat and talked her ear off until about 9:30. (We did have a good time though!) BUT... then I was an hour late to the dinner my boyfriend had cooked for me... :-(
I should have remembered to ask for sleeping meds. Oops.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Intense!
I'm having a very slow moving day today. I looked at the clock a few minutes ago and thought, "Damn... is it really 4:00?" I went to lunch with a girlfriend at 1:00 p.m. and got back shortly after 2:00 p.m. I was thinking I'd get some stuff done around the house since Iz was gone. I sat down on the bed to take off my shoes... and the next thing I know, it's 4 o'clock.
I'm exhausted!! I'm so tired of being tired all the time. I'm pretty relieved that my party cancelled tonight. I wanna spend some time with my man!
My party last night ended with quite the drama. I was in the ordering room with my hostess finalizing her order when I hear the girls out front trying to rationalize with an angry man who had just pushed in. My hostess recognized the voice, apparently, and tried real quickly to lock the bedroom door. She was too late. Her boyfriend pushed open the door and starting yelling at her, cursing profusely. Then, he turned on me. My heart was pounding. All I could think was "I wanna get the hell out of here! Fuck this!" I asked him calmly to give me a couple minutes to finish up then I'd pack up and be gone. He didn't like that at all. He got closer to me and kept up the yelling. "Get the fuck outta my house NOW!!" He didn't stop. I changed my plan and told him I just needed to pack up my stuff and I'd be gone. I started packing up my bags with him breathing down my neck the entire time. I couldn't get out of that house fast enough.
When I left, my hostess asked me to call the police for her. I made sure she'd be ok, suggested she take the kids and leave with one of her girlfriends, then left myself. I called the police before I was even off her street. Poor girl! That shit stressed the hell out of me... I can't even imagine what it does to her regularly!
It was an intense night.
Maybe I earned my exhaustion this time. I'm very deserving of some rest.
I'm exhausted!! I'm so tired of being tired all the time. I'm pretty relieved that my party cancelled tonight. I wanna spend some time with my man!
My party last night ended with quite the drama. I was in the ordering room with my hostess finalizing her order when I hear the girls out front trying to rationalize with an angry man who had just pushed in. My hostess recognized the voice, apparently, and tried real quickly to lock the bedroom door. She was too late. Her boyfriend pushed open the door and starting yelling at her, cursing profusely. Then, he turned on me. My heart was pounding. All I could think was "I wanna get the hell out of here! Fuck this!" I asked him calmly to give me a couple minutes to finish up then I'd pack up and be gone. He didn't like that at all. He got closer to me and kept up the yelling. "Get the fuck outta my house NOW!!" He didn't stop. I changed my plan and told him I just needed to pack up my stuff and I'd be gone. I started packing up my bags with him breathing down my neck the entire time. I couldn't get out of that house fast enough.
When I left, my hostess asked me to call the police for her. I made sure she'd be ok, suggested she take the kids and leave with one of her girlfriends, then left myself. I called the police before I was even off her street. Poor girl! That shit stressed the hell out of me... I can't even imagine what it does to her regularly!
It was an intense night.
Maybe I earned my exhaustion this time. I'm very deserving of some rest.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Finally Getting Somewhere!
After unsuccessfully trying to reach someone at my neurologist's office since Monday, I FINALLY got a hold of someone and got the ball rolling. I think part of the problem with getting a call back was my multi-tiered messages I left. I like to consider myself a multi-tasker, so instead of leaving a message only about one specific issue, I left one encompassing ALL my issues... last time I do that!
So as much as I absolutely hate Solu-Medrol, the doctor thinks it best. I have been scheduled for a 2-day cycle of the steroid for Monday and Tuesday. Which means that come Wednesday, my house should be pretty damned clean, my laundry will all be done, and I will probably be down on my hands and knees scrubbing the baseboards of my house with a toothbrush. But of course, come Wednesday night, I will be zombified. Apparently, sleep is a necessary function. ;-)
I also talked to the doctor about what needed to be done to start my switch-over from Avonex to Tysabri. Based on my most recent MRI's and the new lesions on my C-spine, the docs said that it appears I qualify for Tysabri, now. They actually told me that about a month ago, but I hadn't made my decision to go for it until just recently. Tysabri is the new(er) "super drug" for MS. But, as it goes, the more aggressive the drug, the more severe the side-effects. Tysabri is no exception. I hesitated about it for so long because of the HUGE caveat that goes with Tysabri: "Tysabri increases the risk of a serious viral infection of the brain that can lead to disability or death. This risk is higher if you have a weak immune system or are receiving certain medicines." Anyone who knows me could tell you that I don't exactly have the best medical luck. In fact, my luck is so spectacular medically, that I would be that 1 person in 1000 that contracts the infection. I'd say my hesitation is justified.
However, every week I give myself my Avonex injection and then experience the awesome weekly side-effects from that, I decide that it's a risk I'm willing to take. Besides, if I have only been diagnosed with MS for 2 years and already my lesions have doubled, then how long will it take if I continue at that rate until I am immobilized or incapacitated? Me in any sort of wheel chair is a very scary thought-- for everyone around me, more than me!
So as much as I absolutely hate Solu-Medrol, the doctor thinks it best. I have been scheduled for a 2-day cycle of the steroid for Monday and Tuesday. Which means that come Wednesday, my house should be pretty damned clean, my laundry will all be done, and I will probably be down on my hands and knees scrubbing the baseboards of my house with a toothbrush. But of course, come Wednesday night, I will be zombified. Apparently, sleep is a necessary function. ;-)
I also talked to the doctor about what needed to be done to start my switch-over from Avonex to Tysabri. Based on my most recent MRI's and the new lesions on my C-spine, the docs said that it appears I qualify for Tysabri, now. They actually told me that about a month ago, but I hadn't made my decision to go for it until just recently. Tysabri is the new(er) "super drug" for MS. But, as it goes, the more aggressive the drug, the more severe the side-effects. Tysabri is no exception. I hesitated about it for so long because of the HUGE caveat that goes with Tysabri: "Tysabri increases the risk of a serious viral infection of the brain that can lead to disability or death. This risk is higher if you have a weak immune system or are receiving certain medicines." Anyone who knows me could tell you that I don't exactly have the best medical luck. In fact, my luck is so spectacular medically, that I would be that 1 person in 1000 that contracts the infection. I'd say my hesitation is justified.
However, every week I give myself my Avonex injection and then experience the awesome weekly side-effects from that, I decide that it's a risk I'm willing to take. Besides, if I have only been diagnosed with MS for 2 years and already my lesions have doubled, then how long will it take if I continue at that rate until I am immobilized or incapacitated? Me in any sort of wheel chair is a very scary thought-- for everyone around me, more than me!
So Monday I'll go in and get my initial labs drawn to start the ball rolling on Tysabri. In order to receive Tysabri, you have to be meet a whole slue of requirements. Let's just hope I meet those requirements... or instead of getting to cut out the weekly injections and go in once a month for an infusion, I'll end up switching to another medication-- one that requires daily or every-other-day injections. Ugh. Yuck.
Work is exhausting today. I think my body is impervious to amphetamines (Adderol). I'm still tired. Only 45 more minutes of work, then I get to head home, hug and kiss the boyfriend, change my clothes, pack up my car, and head to Job #2-- a Slumber Party in Midvale. So much for any chance of resting-- that is a guaranteed 3-6 hours on my feet. My goal is to be done with her party, have orders done, and my car packed up and on the road heading home by 10:30.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
As I'm leaving the office today to head to yet another doctor's appointment, my boss asks me, "when do you think you'll be back?" I shrugged my shoulders and said, "You know how doctors are."
He finished my thought with, "It depends on how long you're sitting and waiting in the waiting room." I nodded.
Then he laughs to himself and adds, "I bet there are a lot of people sleeping in that waiting room."
I had no choice but to laugh and leave for my appointment with the narcolepsy doctor.
Lyrica
Last night while Israel and I were trying to decide if we had watched the episode of Lost that was on my DVR, a commercial for Lyrica came on... I stopped fast-forwarding (out of curiosity) and was like, "Hey, my doctor prescribed this to me..." The commercial was for use for Fibromyalgia pain... but the explanation made sense why my doctor would prescribe it for MS pain. We watched the entire commercial.
At the end, after the extensive list of side-effects from the drug, Israel was like, "Damn. I think I'd rather be in pain."
See what I'm talking about.
At the end, after the extensive list of side-effects from the drug, Israel was like, "Damn. I think I'd rather be in pain."
See what I'm talking about.
Monday, April 26, 2010
This feeling is familiar.
The past couple of weeks are starting to catch up with me: 5 days in New Orleans, LA, 4 days of "catch up" at work, a 15-hour work day on Friday, the MS Walk on Saturday... my body is protesting.
I started feeling it Saturday night, after a long day at the MS Walk and the park afterwards with my family. I was exhausted by the time I got home. I took a brief nap, then got up and ready to go out with Israel for the night. As we were at dinner, I started feeling the physical effects of such a busy and stressful couple of weeks. My body started getting that very heavy feeling down the left side. It was a heavy, shaky feeling-- a familiar feeling. As my mind wrapped around the feeling, my mood changed instantly. I knew that feeling too well-- it starts as a slight tingling sensation... then almost a shaky feeling... then it gets heavy. I knew what it meant and wanted to go home.
Last night after dinner, the entire left side of my body was tingling-- from my face down to my toes. It felt like half of my body was naked under a shower head or drizzling rain storm or something. It's not painful-- just uncomfortable-- on par with being tickled.
I'm trying to decide if I should call the neurologist and try to nip it in the bud with some IV steroids. I hate the steroids... H-A-T-E them. But... I also hate being immobilized. I think a couple sleepless moody days is a small price to pay for my mobility.
I'm tired of being tired.
I started feeling it Saturday night, after a long day at the MS Walk and the park afterwards with my family. I was exhausted by the time I got home. I took a brief nap, then got up and ready to go out with Israel for the night. As we were at dinner, I started feeling the physical effects of such a busy and stressful couple of weeks. My body started getting that very heavy feeling down the left side. It was a heavy, shaky feeling-- a familiar feeling. As my mind wrapped around the feeling, my mood changed instantly. I knew that feeling too well-- it starts as a slight tingling sensation... then almost a shaky feeling... then it gets heavy. I knew what it meant and wanted to go home.
Last night after dinner, the entire left side of my body was tingling-- from my face down to my toes. It felt like half of my body was naked under a shower head or drizzling rain storm or something. It's not painful-- just uncomfortable-- on par with being tickled.
I'm trying to decide if I should call the neurologist and try to nip it in the bud with some IV steroids. I hate the steroids... H-A-T-E them. But... I also hate being immobilized. I think a couple sleepless moody days is a small price to pay for my mobility.
I'm tired of being tired.
Apologies.
Israel didn't let me stay mad at him for long after Friday night. The next morning as we were waking up, he apologized and explained.
I think he and I drive each other crazy with how alike we are-- we are equally stubborn and proud. And we each make the other do things that are completely out of character and unnatural.
Definitely one of those "drive you crazy" sort of loves.
I think he and I drive each other crazy with how alike we are-- we are equally stubborn and proud. And we each make the other do things that are completely out of character and unnatural.
Definitely one of those "drive you crazy" sort of loves.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Walk MS 2010
Saturday was the Walk MS 2010 in Salt Lake City... what a fun day, and how incredible the changes that can occur in just one year! Last year, I couldn't walk the entire thing-- 3 miles seemed like a marathon! This year, I used the push of my family and kept going through the entire walk. At the end of the walk, Israel put me on his shoulders and we ran across the finish line. It was a fantastic time with family and friends! A few different families of kids in my mom's elementary school class came out to walk with us, too. They were so cute when they met me and were able to put a face to the cause. They shyly (but proudly) told me how much money they were able to raise for the event. It was cute!
After the Walk, we all met at the park and had a big lunch. I brought Mohamed and Suhur along to play with my nieces. (They've been begging me for weeks.)
My uncle, Mike, got to come along to the lunch at the park, too. He was another reminder of how much can change in one year. Last year, he walked the walk with us. This year, his body was too weak to participate. It puts things into perspective.
Life is fragile. Our bodies are fragile.
Pictures from the walk:
Group Photo (minus a few): "Raisin' Dough for MS"
Starting the Walk...
My niece, Mariah and my mom.
My sister, Kara and me.
So many people out to support the cause.
My niece, Aleigha, stole my boyfriend for most of the walk.
2 of my favorite people...
Aleigha was manning the camera most of the walk.
My cousin, Tiffany.
My cousin and one of his kids.
My cousin's other kid, Ashley.
Aleigha liked the police.
We all got spread out real quick, but we were easy to spot with our purple shirts.
Some of the kids, taking a short break at the park.
Aleigha, her daddy, Kenny, and Israel.
Aleigha sweet-talked the cop into a photo-opp.
Me and my brother-in-law, Kenny.
My mom and Aunt Shauna.
Family friends, Lisa and Laura Lisonbee and Aleigha.
Kenny collected the medals.
Thanks again to everyone who came out to support!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Solo Success
I've always been an incredibly hard worker. It didn't matter what it was I was doing at the time-- if I didn't have a full plate, I was lost... even now with MS breathing down my neck, I still try to do it all. My family, friends and doctors are all telling me to slow down. But I can't... because if there is one thing I like more than keeping busy and feeling like I'm doing good, it's winning. If I slow down, the disease wins. I can't have that.
Tonight went fabulous! I worked all day at the law office, came home, packed up my stuff and put on my Slumber Parties face and headed to a girl's house for her party. I wasn't expecting any kind of mindblowing night, but I always have a good time doing this "job" and knew that it would be at least decent enough. I fought the exhaustion and extreme urge I had to kick my feet up and relax when I got home... and as soon as I fought it up 3 flights of stairs with ALL my party stuff (4 duffle bags, a folding table, an incredibly heavy gun case, 3 garment bags of lingerie, 2 carry-on-type bags, and my purse), I found the energy to do what I love to do: Slumber Parties!
I thought it might be an early night for this party-- this group of girls has typically been my Saturday afternoon party girls-- noon parties only, until tonight. But we kicked back and laughed and had a great time! The hours grew longer and later... and then, my girl I had talked to about signing up to do Slumber Parties at the last party was ready to go! She was ready to sign up tonight! So we filled out her paperwork, got her signed up and ready to go, and voila! New distributor! TOTALLY unexpected for tonight's party! (I knew she'd sign up eventually-- that girl has Slumber Parties written all over her-- I just had to put her in front of a mirror first.
I got home about 1:30 a.m. and was feeling fantastic! I was exhausted, but running off the adrenaline of a good party and a new recruit... excited to have had such a successful night. And apparently... along those lines, I did something wrong. Israel took the wind right out of my sails when I walked in the door. Suddenly, I felt like I had done something wrong. I asked him how his night was and he responds, "How do you think my night went? Put yourself in my place and tell me how you think my night went." Needless to say I was caught incredibly off-guard and couldn't even respond. (Good thing I can count on my sister to answer her phone at 1:30 a.m. so I can talk about how awesome my party went... or I would have been even more hurt by his melancholy.)
So much for sharing in one's successes.
I didn't even bother asking for help unloading the car at that point. I made it up and down 3 flights of stairs... I can definitely make it up my front porch.
I shouldn't be so bothered. But I don't get it. This is who I am-- I work HARD for what I have. I work HARD because I have to.
This is who I am. This is who I will always be.
Not even this disease can keep that from being true.
Tonight went fabulous! I worked all day at the law office, came home, packed up my stuff and put on my Slumber Parties face and headed to a girl's house for her party. I wasn't expecting any kind of mindblowing night, but I always have a good time doing this "job" and knew that it would be at least decent enough. I fought the exhaustion and extreme urge I had to kick my feet up and relax when I got home... and as soon as I fought it up 3 flights of stairs with ALL my party stuff (4 duffle bags, a folding table, an incredibly heavy gun case, 3 garment bags of lingerie, 2 carry-on-type bags, and my purse), I found the energy to do what I love to do: Slumber Parties!
I thought it might be an early night for this party-- this group of girls has typically been my Saturday afternoon party girls-- noon parties only, until tonight. But we kicked back and laughed and had a great time! The hours grew longer and later... and then, my girl I had talked to about signing up to do Slumber Parties at the last party was ready to go! She was ready to sign up tonight! So we filled out her paperwork, got her signed up and ready to go, and voila! New distributor! TOTALLY unexpected for tonight's party! (I knew she'd sign up eventually-- that girl has Slumber Parties written all over her-- I just had to put her in front of a mirror first.
I got home about 1:30 a.m. and was feeling fantastic! I was exhausted, but running off the adrenaline of a good party and a new recruit... excited to have had such a successful night. And apparently... along those lines, I did something wrong. Israel took the wind right out of my sails when I walked in the door. Suddenly, I felt like I had done something wrong. I asked him how his night was and he responds, "How do you think my night went? Put yourself in my place and tell me how you think my night went." Needless to say I was caught incredibly off-guard and couldn't even respond. (Good thing I can count on my sister to answer her phone at 1:30 a.m. so I can talk about how awesome my party went... or I would have been even more hurt by his melancholy.)
So much for sharing in one's successes.
I didn't even bother asking for help unloading the car at that point. I made it up and down 3 flights of stairs... I can definitely make it up my front porch.
I shouldn't be so bothered. But I don't get it. This is who I am-- I work HARD for what I have. I work HARD because I have to.
This is who I am. This is who I will always be.
Not even this disease can keep that from being true.
Friday, April 23, 2010
Fiending
I got a phone call from my insurance company the other day... I'll back up:
My doctors have been fighting to get me on a drug called Provigil for nearly 1 1/2 years now... and to no avail. It's too expensive a drug for the insurance company to willingly pay for, and it has not been "approved" for use for MS patients to manage fatigue. So for the past year and a half, I have been in the drug trade-- seeking people who have the drug and don't like it so they'll give it to me! (More on why it's fabulous later...) So, in all my recent tests and excitement, one good thing occurred: I was diagnosed with narcolepsy! Initially you might wonder, Why is that a good thing?? Well, it's not, per se. BUT-- ultimately it does mean that I have a paved route to that drug, since it's commonly used to treat those with narcolepsy. So after 1 1/2 years of fighting it, I have a new roundabout way to my drug.
Back to the phone call. The doctor told me he would call in a prescription for me the day that he called to tell me the news. So you can imagine my shock when I got a phone call from the insurance company later that afternoon telling me they had denied the drug. Upon further questioning, ends up she was calling to deny my other doctor's request for it-- not the sleep doctor. But it did put me in the preset mind frame that perhaps this new diagnosis was not a nice and straight paved path... it might just mean no machetes were needed to navigate it.
So then yesterday, the insurance company calls to inform me that the medication was denied until I try a different (cheaper) one first. "Like what?" I asked. The answer: I don't know-- something amphetamine-ish. Basically, they want to give me speed. I laughed. The poor girl on the other end. "Unless your doctor can give us a good reason why you shouldn't do those ones first, then you will need to try one of those medications first."
I can think of 10 good reasons-- and I'll talk really really fast while I tell you! Isn't that good enough?
I am a Provigil-fiend, apparently.
Just give me my drug.
My doctors have been fighting to get me on a drug called Provigil for nearly 1 1/2 years now... and to no avail. It's too expensive a drug for the insurance company to willingly pay for, and it has not been "approved" for use for MS patients to manage fatigue. So for the past year and a half, I have been in the drug trade-- seeking people who have the drug and don't like it so they'll give it to me! (More on why it's fabulous later...) So, in all my recent tests and excitement, one good thing occurred: I was diagnosed with narcolepsy! Initially you might wonder, Why is that a good thing?? Well, it's not, per se. BUT-- ultimately it does mean that I have a paved route to that drug, since it's commonly used to treat those with narcolepsy. So after 1 1/2 years of fighting it, I have a new roundabout way to my drug.
Back to the phone call. The doctor told me he would call in a prescription for me the day that he called to tell me the news. So you can imagine my shock when I got a phone call from the insurance company later that afternoon telling me they had denied the drug. Upon further questioning, ends up she was calling to deny my other doctor's request for it-- not the sleep doctor. But it did put me in the preset mind frame that perhaps this new diagnosis was not a nice and straight paved path... it might just mean no machetes were needed to navigate it.
So then yesterday, the insurance company calls to inform me that the medication was denied until I try a different (cheaper) one first. "Like what?" I asked. The answer: I don't know-- something amphetamine-ish. Basically, they want to give me speed. I laughed. The poor girl on the other end. "Unless your doctor can give us a good reason why you shouldn't do those ones first, then you will need to try one of those medications first."
I can think of 10 good reasons-- and I'll talk really really fast while I tell you! Isn't that good enough?
I am a Provigil-fiend, apparently.
Just give me my drug.
New for 2010
The past few months have almost been a blur of activity. After dodging the neurologist for a year (yes, dodging), my boss finally put his foot down as a "concerned" individual and made a strong push for me to go to the doctor. My work performance was slacking, my energy level was down, and I imagine I was just not that pleasant of a person to be around at work. So, finally, I decided to appease him and made an appointment for my neurologist. (I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I was trying to appease him so I could get a bonus.)
That push to revisit the doctor TOTALLY backfired on him... seeing as it's 3 1/2 months later and I am still finishing up follow-up appointments and trying to stuff the pieces back into Pandora's box from that appointment. Since it had been a year since my previous appointment (I kept slipping through the cracks... willingly), I had to have the full workup-- bone density scans, blood tests, brain MRI, C-spine MRI, chest x-rays, and a sleep study (for fatigue).
Not entirely surprising, the doctors found new lesions on my C-spine and brain.
Surprisingly, the sleep doctor diagnosed me with narcolepsy. (Really!? I laughed, too... just my effort to be incredibly original, as a friend put it to me.)
Other changes? Well, aside from randomly falling asleep, a new suspicion of dyslexia (it must be the new lesions), and a boatload of new medical bills... I have a new boyfriend that is getting barraged by all of this all at once-- what better way to test the strength of a relationship, eh?
Life. It's a trip.
That push to revisit the doctor TOTALLY backfired on him... seeing as it's 3 1/2 months later and I am still finishing up follow-up appointments and trying to stuff the pieces back into Pandora's box from that appointment. Since it had been a year since my previous appointment (I kept slipping through the cracks... willingly), I had to have the full workup-- bone density scans, blood tests, brain MRI, C-spine MRI, chest x-rays, and a sleep study (for fatigue).
Not entirely surprising, the doctors found new lesions on my C-spine and brain.
Surprisingly, the sleep doctor diagnosed me with narcolepsy. (Really!? I laughed, too... just my effort to be incredibly original, as a friend put it to me.)
Other changes? Well, aside from randomly falling asleep, a new suspicion of dyslexia (it must be the new lesions), and a boatload of new medical bills... I have a new boyfriend that is getting barraged by all of this all at once-- what better way to test the strength of a relationship, eh?
Life. It's a trip.
Intro-- half way through.
I've realized it's hard to just jump into the middle of a story -- even if you're the author. I have this need to fill in the blanks for everyone as I go. I need to get over that or I'll always be telling a story off of memory. And let's face it-- my memory SUCKS! So in order to compromise with myself, I have posted some of my older posts from a different blog in a slight attempt to fill in the blanks. The rest will be done as the thought occurs for the most part.
One day, I will write a book-- and because I'm not a chronologically thinking person, the book will not be chronological either. Maybe this is good practice.
One day, I will write a book-- and because I'm not a chronologically thinking person, the book will not be chronological either. Maybe this is good practice.
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